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Russell Howard Quotes

Russell Howard Quotes
1.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
Russell Howard

2.
Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.
Russell Howard

3.
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'
Russell Howard

4.
The Bible says gays arent natural. What, and a talking snake is?!
Russell Howard

5.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
Russell Howard

Similar Authors: Ralph Waldo Emerson William Shakespeare Donald Trump Mahatma Gandhi Barack Obama Rush Limbaugh Henry David Thoreau Friedrich Nietzsche Mark Twain Rajneesh Cassandra Clare C. S. Lewis Albert Einstein Oscar Wilde Thomas Jefferson
6.
Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!
Russell Howard

7.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.
Russell Howard

8.
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
Russell Howard

Quote Topics by Russell Howard: Funny Humor Sex Children Monkeys Mean Taken Gay Identity Dad School Mother Blokes Girl Jumping Guy Predator Moving Eye Snakes Valentine Talking Queens Police Father Bears Opposites People Wife
9.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
Russell Howard

10.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Russell Howard

11.
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
Russell Howard

12.
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.
Russell Howard

13.
I've never said flange to a monkey!
Russell Howard

14.
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.
Russell Howard

15.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
Russell Howard

16.
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
Russell Howard

17.
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
Russell Howard

18.
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".
Russell Howard

19.
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
Russell Howard

20.
Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?
Russell Howard

21.
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
Russell Howard

22.
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'
Russell Howard

23.
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade
Russell Howard

24.
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
Russell Howard