1.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow
When I was young, I heard that anyone could ascend to the highest office. Now, I am starting to believe it is plausible.
2.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson
The clearest indication that sentient life is present elsewhere in the cosmos is the lack of any attempts to make contact with us.
3.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
It is wiser to stay quiet and risk being deemed a fool than to utter words and leave no uncertainty.
4.
Women are made to be loved, not understood.
Oscar Wilde
Women are intended to be cherished, not deciphered.
5.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin
I pondered how mums nourish their infants with miniature spoons and forks so I asked myself, what do Chinese moms use? Toothpicks?
6.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
Imagine you were a fool, and consider if you were a legislator; however I am reiterating myself.
7.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx
If you struggle to see the humor in yourself, I would gladly provide mirth on your behalf.
8.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
Ronald Reagan
I have pondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have resembled had Moses presented them to the United States Legislature.
9.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
'Individuals who believe they possess all knowledge are an immense irritation to those of us with actual understanding.'
10.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
A wealthy individual is nothing more than a destitute person with currency.
11.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
William Shakespeare
I would dare you to an intellectual duel, but I perceive that you are unequipped!
12.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope
'A bank is a place that will offer you credit if you can demonstrate that you don't require it.'
13.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
'A female's thoughts are more versatile than a male's: She alters them more frequently.'
14.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw
The paramount obstacle in communication is the misconception that it has been accomplished.
15.
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato
Those who are too wise to take part in politics suffer the consequences of being ruled by those who are less informed.
16.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
Mark Twain
Defer what can be accomplished just as effectively the following day instead of tomorrow.
17.
What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Anton Chekhov
What a splendid day today! Can't decide whether to have tea or jump off a cliff.
18.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
George Carlin
Many folks lack awareness of their actions, yet they still manage to excel at it.
19.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
George Carlin
In the United States, anyone can ascend to the presidency. That's the issue.
20.
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Oscar Wilde
'Between the sexes, there is no companionship conceivable. There exists ardor, animosity, veneration, affection, but no comradeship.'
21.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
George Carlin
'If the indestructible flight recorder can survive a plane crash, why isn't the entire aircraft constructed of such resilient material?'
22.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
'That's why they dub it the American Illusion, since only a slumbering mind can believe in it.'
23.
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Frank Sinatra
'Booze may be mankind's nemesis, yet the scriptures prescribe compassion for adversaries.'
24.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Have you observed that all those advocating for contraception are already alive?
25.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
Beware of studying medical literature; a typo might prove fatal.
26.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Frank Zappa
The United States is a nation of statutes: poorly articulated and arbitrarily implemented.
27.
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
Mark Twain
I am not intimidated by mortality. I had been in a state of nonexistence for countless eons prior to my birth, and it did not cause me any difficulty.
28.
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
Winston Churchill
You can always trust Americans to make the correct decision - after they have exhausted all available choices.
29.
The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.
William Shakespeare
The silent vessel reverberates the most.
30.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
If you're too free-thinking; your intellect will escape.
31.
Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
Salvador Dali
Do not dread excellence - it is unattainable.
32.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
It is said that relationships are ordained in the afterlife. However, so too are fierce storms and tempestuous weather.
33.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Mark Twain
The dearth of funds is the source of all malevolence.
34.
We're weird guys. I don't know if a lot of people get our humor. A lot of people probably think we're jerks. We're real sarcastic. Really ironic and stuff. We mean well, but we joke around probably a lot more than we should.
Brendon Urie
35.
In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.'
Spiro T. Agnew
Miserable malcontents of miserable musings
36.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Oscar Wilde
37.
History repeats itself, the first as tragedy, then as farce.
Karl Marx
38.
I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
Clarence Darrow
39.
The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.
Richard Dawkins
41.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
42.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain
43.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Ludwig Wittgenstein
44.
We have the best government that money can buy.
Mark Twain
45.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
46.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
47.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright
48.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
49.
Don't be humble... you're not that great.
Golda Meir
50.
She is a peacock in everything but beauty!
Oscar Wilde