Spike Milligan Quotes

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

God made nightButMan made darkness.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

I'm Irish. We think sideways

In the human race today, you came last.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently