W. C. Fields Quotes

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I never eat before breakfast.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.