1.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
A wealthy individual is nothing more than a destitute person with currency.
2.
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. Fields
3.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields
4.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields
5.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
6.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
7.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields
8.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
9.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
W. C. Fields
10.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields
11.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
12.
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. Fields
13.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
14.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
15.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
W. C. Fields
16.
You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
W. C. Fields
17.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
18.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
19.
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
W. C. Fields
20.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields
21.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. Fields
22.
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields
23.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields
24.
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. Fields
25.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. Fields
26.
I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
W. C. Fields
27.
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
W. C. Fields
28.
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. Fields
29.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields
30.
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
W. C. Fields
31.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
32.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields
33.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. Fields
34.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. Fields
35.
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. Fields
36.
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields
37.
Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
W. C. Fields
38.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields
39.
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields
40.
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
W. C. Fields
41.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields
42.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields
43.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields
44.
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
45.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. Fields
46.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
W. C. Fields
47.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields
48.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. Fields
49.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields
50.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
