1.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy
Absolve your adversaries, yet never erase their identities.
2.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A. A. Milne
'It is often claimed that nothing is impossible, yet I demonstrate the contrary every day.'
3.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
I realized that people seem to become more studious of the Bible as they age; then it struck me that they are preparing for their ultimate test.
4.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
'Before condemning someone, experience life through their perspective. After that who matters?... They're far away and you have their perspective!'
5.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
'The quick one reaps the benefit, but the second to act takes the prize.'
6.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Che Guevara
Muteness is a dispute conducted through different methods.
7.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
'Those who prioritize their comforts over their values will ultimately forfeit both.'
8.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Winston Churchill
The most powerful evidence against democracy is a brief dialogue with the ordinary elector.
9.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Plato
'Those of upright character do not require a code of conduct to act in an appropriate manner, while malefactors will always find a means to flout the rules.'
10.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Do not disturb your adversary when they are committing an error.
11.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Oscar Wilde
If you wish to impart the truth, amuse them; otherwise they will dispatch you.
12.
There are no facts, only interpretations.
Friedrich Nietzsche
No objective truths exist; only subjective perceptions.
13.
Let us never forget that government is ourselves and not an alien power over us. The ultimate rulers of our democracy are not a President and Senators and Congressmen and Government officials but the voters of this country.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
14.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
William Shakespeare
I would dare you to an intellectual duel, but I perceive that you are unequipped!
15.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Edmund Burke
The only requirement for the success of wickedness is inactivity from righteous individuals.
16.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest
Winston Churchill
A good speech should be like a woman's outfit: sufficiently detailed to do justice to the topic yet concise enough to provoke intrigue.
17.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer
The progression of truth follows a three-step process: initially derided, then fiercely contested, and finally recognized as unquestionable.
18.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish
Chevy Chase
Parrots make excellent companions. Their character surpasses that of a goldfish.
19.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
John Barrymore
Intimacy: the activity that requires the least effort and produces the most complications.
20.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
George Carlin
Many folks lack awareness of their actions, yet they still manage to excel at it.
21.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
Ann Landers
If you wish for your progeny to heed, try whispering gently - to an alternative person.
22.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Many are frightened by altitude. I, however, am scared of breadth.
23.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Mark Twain
'The sole method of preserving your wellbeing is to consume what you abhor, imbibe what you detest, and perform what you'd rather avoid.'
24.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
William S. Burroughs
An extraterrestrial voyager surveying Earth would likely be eager to demand an audience with the chief executive.
25.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
George Carlin
In the United States, anyone can ascend to the presidency. That's the issue.
26.
Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
Wernher von Braun
'Exploratory investigation is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.'
27.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw
We glean from our past that individuals never draw conclusions from their past.
28.
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.
Bill Hicks
29.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
George Carlin
'If the indestructible flight recorder can survive a plane crash, why isn't the entire aircraft constructed of such resilient material?'
30.
The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.
Ann Landers
The unvarnished truth is always preferable to the most artfully crafted falsehood.
31.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Jean-Paul Sartre
All the answers are known, yet how to exist remains unanswered.
32.
It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
Carl Sagan
It is preferable to acquire a realistic understanding of the cosmos rather than abide in an illusion, no matter how comforting or reassuring.
33.
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
Winston Churchill
You can always trust Americans to make the correct decision - after they have exhausted all available choices.
34.
The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.
Dustin Hoffman
The two fundamental components required to support existence are radiance and coconut cream.
35.
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
'Blind enthusiasm coupled with willful obliviousness can be a formidable force of destruction.'
36.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
37.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Aristotle Onassis
If females did not inhabit the world, all wealth would be without consequence.
38.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
Contemplate the general lack of intellect among people, and recognize that a significant portion are even more deficient.
39.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
If you're too free-thinking; your intellect will escape.
40.
People who live in an age of corruption are witty and slanderous; they know that there are other kinds of murder than by dagger or assault; they also know that whatever is well said is believed.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Those who exist in a corrupt era are crafty and maligning; they understand that there are alternative ways to murder besides with a knife or attack; they further recognize that whatever is verbalized convincingly will be accepted.
41.
Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem!
Lauryn Hill
'Don't be a stone when you truly are a jewel!'
42.
When you realize the value of all life, you dwell less on what is past and concentrate more on the preservation of the future.
Dian Fossey
When you comprehend the worth of all living things, you focus less on what has happened and more on safeguarding the future.
43.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
I have longed to witness the Swiss military's use of diminutive crimson blades in Switzerland.
44.
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong
'It's not uncommon to witness intelligent men partnered with less-enlightened women, yet rarely do you find an intellectually endowed female coupled with a dull male.'
45.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly
My characterization of an intellectual is someone who can hear the William Tell Overture without associating it with the Lone Ranger.
46.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Albert Einstein
Keep things as straightforward as feasible, yet not more so.
47.
Most women defend themselves. It is the female of the species-it is the tigress and lioness in you which tends to defend when attacked.
Margaret Thatcher
Most women protect themselves. It is the female of the species-it is the ferocious power in you which tends to safeguard when threatened.
48.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
'If you make an effort and succeed despite the odds, what have you accomplished?'
49.
Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.
Benjamin Franklin
Wealth has never brought joy to mankind, and it will not do so in the future; nothing about it can create contentment. The more one acquires, the more they yearn for.
50.
Common sense is not so common.
Voltaire