1.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
David Letterman
2.
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
David Letterman
3.
Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
David Letterman
4.
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
David Letterman
5.
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
David Letterman
6.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
David Letterman
7.
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
David Letterman
8.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman
9.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman
10.
Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
David Letterman
11.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
David Letterman
12.
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
David Letterman
13.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
David Letterman
14.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman
15.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
16.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
David Letterman
17.
The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?
David Letterman
18.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
David Letterman
19.
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
David Letterman
20.
There is no off position on the genius switch.
David Letterman
21.
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
David Letterman
22.
Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'
David Letterman
23.
BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.
David Letterman
24.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
David Letterman
25.
Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'
David Letterman
26.
I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
David Letterman
27.
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
David Letterman
28.
When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.
David Letterman
29.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
David Letterman
30.
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
David Letterman
31.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
David Letterman
32.
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
David Letterman
33.
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
David Letterman
34.
But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.
David Letterman
35.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
David Letterman
36.
Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.
David Letterman
37.
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.
David Letterman
38.
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
David Letterman
39.
I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.
David Letterman
40.
A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.
David Letterman
41.
He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around.
David Letterman
42.
I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.
David Letterman
43.
Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.
David Letterman
44.
Them bats is smart. They use radar!
David Letterman
45.
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
David Letterman
46.
Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.
David Letterman
47.
Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.
David Letterman
48.
My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.
David Letterman
49.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
David Letterman
50.
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.
David Letterman
