Doug Stanhope Quotes

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.