Finley Peter Dunne Quotes

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here.

No, sir, th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an' set in opposite corners while wan mutthers Thraiter an' th' other hisses Miscreent ye can bet they're two dimmycratic leaders thryin' to reunite th' gran' ol' party.

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.

If Christian scientists had more science and doctors more Christianity, it wouldn't make any difference which you called in - if you had a good nurse.

Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because no wan knew him.

There are no friends at cards or world politics

It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.

It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels.

Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.

High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts.

When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.

There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

Meditation is a gift confined to unknown philosophers and cows. Others don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write.

You can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think.

Don't jump on a man unless he is down.

Continued focus on (employee) turnover is of critical importance, because of the direct relation of turnover to improvements in labor costs and guest satisfaction.

A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but they run away fr'm doubt.

A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable

Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.

Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it

When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win ... an' th' best man will win.

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.

I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation, if I can get out an injunction.

Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while.

Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.

Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.

The wise people are in New York because the foolish went there first, that's the way the wise men make a living.

Trust ivrybody-but cut th' cards.

A man's idee in a card game is war

A man never becomes an orator if he has anything to say.

The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle - on the back of a dollar.

A game you play with your own worst enemy-yourself.

What's wan man's news is another man's throubles.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night.

Vice goes along way towards making life bearable. A little vice now and then is relished by the best of men.