1.
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
2.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
Frank Carson
3.
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
Frank Carson
4.
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
Frank Carson
5.
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
Frank Carson
6.
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
Frank Carson
7.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
Frank Carson
8.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
Frank Carson
9.
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
Frank Carson
10.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
Frank Carson
11.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
Frank Carson
12.
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
Frank Carson
13.
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
Frank Carson
14.
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Frank Carson
15.
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
Frank Carson
16.
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
Frank Carson
17.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
Frank Carson
18.
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
Frank Carson
19.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
Frank Carson
20.
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
Frank Carson
21.
A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."
Frank Carson
22.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
Frank Carson
23.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Frank Carson
24.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
Frank Carson
25.
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
Frank Carson
26.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
Frank Carson
27.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."
Frank Carson
28.
Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
Frank Carson
29.
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
Frank Carson
30.
It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.
Frank Carson
31.
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
Frank Carson
32.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
Frank Carson
33.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
Frank Carson
34.
Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
Frank Carson
35.
I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
Frank Carson
36.
I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."
Frank Carson
37.
Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!
Frank Carson
38.
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
Frank Carson
39.
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
Frank Carson
40.
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
Frank Carson
41.
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
Frank Carson
42.
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
Frank Carson
43.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
Frank Carson
44.
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
Frank Carson
45.
People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.
Frank Carson
46.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Frank Carson
47.
This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
Frank Carson
48.
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
Frank Carson
49.
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
Frank Carson
50.
America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
Frank Carson