Humorous Quotes

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'll tell you how I'd like to be remembered: As a black man who won the heavyweight title - Who has humorous and who never looked down on those who looked up to him - A man who stood for freedom, justice and equality - And I wouldn't even mind if folks forgot how pretty I was.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people's idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.

If you only have a hammer,
you tend to see every problem as a nail.

There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.

I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner.

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

The whole imposing edifice of modern medicine is like the celebrated tower of Pisa - slightly off balance.

When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.

It's better to be a dictator than gay.

Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Acid is not for every brain .... Only the healthy, happy, wholesome, handsome, hopeful, humorous, high-velocity should seek these experiences. This elitism is totally self-determined. Unless you are self-confident, self-directed, self-selected, please abstain.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.