Karl Pilkington Quotes

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.

I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, 'Why are we here?' The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'

A problem solved is a problem caused.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

If you can't do it, don't do it.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.

A dog has got human eyes.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.

A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.

it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.

I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.

Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday - what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

Every problem solved is a problem made.

We're just a weed in the universe

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.