Larry David Quotes

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

I wasn't making fun of my father in-law's religion. And even if I was so what, it's a comedy. Religion should be made fun of, it's quite ridiculous isn't it. Think how people spend their lives, they have no idea. They go around as if this is a fact. It's so insane you know. If I really believed that stuff I'd keep it to myself. Lest somebody think I was out of my mind.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!

I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.

I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

I'm a jerk, that's who I am. I'm like everybody else.

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.

I need to be on drugs to connect with nature.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

I find human contact repulsive.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.

Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.