Norm MacDonald Quotes

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.

It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

We advise others better than ourselves.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.