Phyllis Diller Quotes

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.