1.
Christmas: It's the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.
Samantha Bee
2.
Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.
Samantha Bee
3.
Kids do have to learn that life is a humiliating charade of endless disappointment and tragedy ultimately culminating in pain, decay, and death. My parents used to sing me to sleep with that one.
Samantha Bee
4.
I'm capable of living in the moment. And I'm especially capable of living in the moment of sitting on my sofa and watching other people's moments.
Samantha Bee
5.
Sex with my first boyfriend was a little bit like learning how to put in a tampon, but only half as enjoyable!
Samantha Bee
6.
Don't judge me. I made a lot of money.
Samantha Bee
7.
I dislike Ted Cruz as much as the next everyone. But that's no reason to be rude to Ted's loving wife and possible hostage.
Samantha Bee
8.
There's a danger zone if you take yourself too seriously. It's a terrible trap to fall into. I think it's the death of comedy.
Samantha Bee
9.
It's like you can't even go on the radio anymore and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without getting some blowback.
Samantha Bee
10.
I continue to be very shy. I think a lot of actors and performers are really weird, shy people working it out onstage. I don't know why that is.
Samantha Bee
11.
You don't want to be glib; you want to treat every story respectfully.
Samantha Bee
12.
I grew up an only child, so I was so much more adult. My eldest daughter is 10, and I was so much more of an adult than she is. She just doesn't care for the real world. She's not interested.
Samantha Bee
13.
You have to be willing to ask questions that almost no one else would ask.
Samantha Bee
14.
There's always going to be someone who hates you. There's always going to be people who love you. It's a risk in either direction.
Samantha Bee
15.
We definitely sometimes get stuff that's different that we were expecting. I mean, that's part of the joy and the terror of interviewing real, live people. Sometimes they come along the journey with you, and most of the time they don't.
Samantha Bee
16.
As a viewer myself, I tend to gravitate toward projects that have a really strong voice of a strong creator.
Samantha Bee
17.
You've got to have gumption. You've got to be willing to stand up on the stage for no money for ten years.
Samantha Bee
18.
I think the show does better with newsmakers and politicians than it does with actors.
Samantha Bee
19.
If it wasn't for what goes on in the world of politics, we wouldn't really have much of a show.
Samantha Bee
20.
The worst thing you can do to a dictator is laugh at him.
Samantha Bee
21.
It's not every day people fly you to New York for auditions.
Samantha Bee
22.
The best part about poker is there's no down side.
Samantha Bee
23.
I believe in breakfast. It's the one meal that my kids usually eat without a fuss, so that's huge. As for myself, I can't function without it, and I see it as a great way to get some healthy greens in, some coffee, and on a good day, maybe even some news of the world via the newspaper.
Samantha Bee
24.
Speaking for myself, I try to go out there on the stage and make jokes with people, so I'm not really thinking about the impact anything I have. If it does resonate with people, that's really great.
Samantha Bee
25.
A lot of comedy is really DIY. You're kind of doing it yourself.
Samantha Bee
26.
I find Donald Trump so haphazard, and that keeps me up at night.
Samantha Bee
27.
The people I really feel sorry for are all the writers out there who wrote these outrageous comedic romps about a grossly unqualified person who goes on to become a Vice Presidential candidate in a hotly contested presidential race. With hilarious results. They must be so bummed.
Samantha Bee
28.
It's fun to be surrounded by people that you love.
Samantha Bee
29.
You need to be able to agree from time to time if we're going to get anywhere. Once you have started a civil dialogue, it's a much smoother road to compromise. The key thing to remember is it's a daily practice.
Samantha Bee
30.
Hopefully the person I'm trying to create is just a funny, dour, evil side of myself that has no other way to express itself. I don't model it after anyone in particular. Who would be like that? Who? I wouldn't want to meet that person. I wouldn't want to be interviewed by that person, I can tell you that.
Samantha Bee
31.
It's great when you have people who will speak passionately and honestly about what they are doing.
Samantha Bee
32.
There's a very fine line between political comedian and activist, and I don't really think I fall over into the activist category.
Samantha Bee
33.
If you get mad about how your voice sounds when it comes out of your own mouth, it's not really my fault. Go ahead and be yourself.
Samantha Bee
34.
It's weird how you can make people feel comfortable, and then ask them an uncomfortable question, but it doesn't ruin their day.
Samantha Bee
35.
I was brought up to question things, but I was always a really quiet and shy child.
Samantha Bee
36.
Nobody wants to have things blurted at them.
Samantha Bee
37.
It's very Canadian of me - or maybe it's more the Catholic schoolgirl in me - but I always really want to do a good job.
Samantha Bee
38.
I want to get a gold star. And I know that there are places that I need to go in order to get the story right. I'd rather do it right than have to do it twice.
Samantha Bee
39.
I don't read anything about myself.
Samantha Bee
40.
I don't feel like any of the things we're talking about are going to make the world end.
Samantha Bee
41.
Everybody is agreeing so tersely. I just had a flashback to the month before my parents finally admitted they were getting a divorce.
Samantha Bee
42.
I am a cookbook fanatic.
Samantha Bee
43.
I hate birthdays. I thought that I only hated my own birthday, and then I realized that I hate my children's birthdays too.
Samantha Bee
44.
I get maximum satisfaction out of buying children's clothes online.
Samantha Bee
45.
I think that my love of cooking grew out of my love of reading about cooking. When I was a kid, we had a bookcase in the kitchen filled with cookbooks. I would eat all my meals reading about meals I could have been having.
Samantha Bee
46.
It is so expensive to take care of my hair and keep it looking like I was born with it, when my real hair is the color of rat fur.
Samantha Bee
47.
If I could live in New York the rest of my life, I absolutely would, but it's also prohibitively expensive and you have to be working. New York is a lot nicer when you have a job.
Samantha Bee
48.
I don't think the show would be funny to you if you didn't already have a base of information.
Samantha Bee
49.
I think NASCAR's coming to Canada now so it'll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid.
Samantha Bee
50.
It was only a few years ago that I couldn't get hired to save my life.
Samantha Bee
