Stephen Colbert Quotes

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.