1.
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
2.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
3.
Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.
Victor Borge
4.
Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there to separate the two other pedals.
Victor Borge
5.
A Smile is a curve which can set a lot of things straight.
Victor Borge
6.
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
Victor Borge
7.
One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.
Victor Borge
8.
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Victor Borge
9.
Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.
Victor Borge
10.
And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.
Victor Borge
11.
I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it.
Victor Borge
12.
Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.
Victor Borge
13.
Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.
Victor Borge
14.
What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
15.
In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say.
Victor Borge
16.
Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.
Victor Borge
17.
I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
Victor Borge
18.
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
Victor Borge
19.
In my dreams of Heaven, I always see the great Masters gathered in a huge hall in which they all reside. Only Mozart has his own suite.
Victor Borge
20.
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
Victor Borge
21.
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
Victor Borge
22.
The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.
Victor Borge
23.
I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?
Victor Borge
24.
(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?
Victor Borge
25.
I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.
Victor Borge
26.
(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?
Victor Borge
27.
When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every time I slopped the cadenza . . . I hate Liebestraum.
Victor Borge
28.
If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.
Victor Borge
29.
Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
Victor Borge
30.
I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.
Victor Borge
31.
What is the difference between a Nazi and a dog?The Nazi lifts his arm.
Victor Borge
32.
Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.
Victor Borge
33.
The essence of a general's job is to assist in developing a clear sense of purpose . to keep the junk from getting in the way of important things.
Victor Borge
34.
The oboe sounds like a clarinet with a cold.
Victor Borge
35.
It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.
Victor Borge
36.
My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.
Victor Borge
37.
The first piano was built long after they didn't have any at all.
Victor Borge
38.
Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.
Victor Borge
39.
When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.
Victor Borge
40.
They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.
Victor Borge
41.
The elephant smoked too much.(explaining why the keys of his piano were so yellow)
Victor Borge
42.
...the elephant smoked too much.
Victor Borge
43.
That's why I've never thought of retiring because I do it all the time whether on the stage or off. I found that in a precarious situation, a smile is the shortest distance between people. When one needs to reach out for sympathy or a link with people, what better way is there?
Victor Borge
44.
There are three Bachs. Johann, Sebastian and Offen.
Victor Borge
45.
I learned to play the piano on my mother's knee - that was before we got a piano.
Victor Borge
46.
You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!
Victor Borge
47.
How nice. Now the Germans can sleep in peace, knowing that they will not be invaded by us.
Victor Borge
48.
Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice.
Victor Borge
49.
There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.
Victor Borge
50.
You want something by Bach? Which one, Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?
Victor Borge
