Wanda Sykes Quotes

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

These CEOs, man ... If you're that ruthless, you're a scary dude. I tell you, now when I walk past a little gang banger, I don't even blink. But if I see a white dude with a Wall Street Journal, I haul ass. Before I walk past the Arthur Andersen building, I cut through the projects. If you cut through the projects, you may just lose what you have on you that day. I ain't never been mugged of my whole future.

When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage recognized in Nevada, Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

As soon as you say 'I do,' you'll discover that marriage is like a car. Both of you might be sitting in the front seat, but only one of you is driving. And most marriages are more like a motorcycle than a car. Somebody has to sit in the back, and you have to yell just to be heard.

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.

Should I talk about [having breast cancer]? Because how many things could I have? You know black, lesbian - I'm like, I can't be the poster child for everything. At least with the LGBT issues we get a parade and a float and it's a party.

I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'

I don’t understand why people really get upset about something that doesn’t affect them at all.

If you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.

I felt like I was being attacked, personally attacked - our community was attacked. Now, I gotta get in their face. I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman. And I'm proud to be gay.

Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' "They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'

You can't make a woman happy. That's like trying to cure a fatal disease. The goal is to treat the symptoms so you can comfortably live with the illness.

If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.

It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science.

It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own comic, who you really are.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.

What gets me is when celebrities aren't allowed to have an opinion on anything political. There's the whole 'Shut up and sing' thing.

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.

Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.

I'm a comedian so I'm not waiting around for someone to write a part for me. I don't have to wait for somebody else to create my next job; I have the ability to basically write my own ticket.

We never hid anything from the kids. I feel whole again, I really do. I've told them, 'Mommy's boo-boo is much better now.'

Since when did I become the spokesperson for nappy-headed hos?

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to be gay.

I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.

We got to stop doing that, ladies. You know, men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.