Woody Allen Quotes

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Take the money and run.

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

The man who said 'I'd rather be lucky than good' saw deeply into life. People are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. It's scary to think so much is out of one's control. There are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck it goes forward and you win. Or maybe it doesn't and you lose.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.