1.
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
Yakov Smirnoff
2.
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
Yakov Smirnoff
3.
I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.
Yakov Smirnoff
4.
In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.
Yakov Smirnoff
5.
In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!
Yakov Smirnoff
6.
In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!
Yakov Smirnoff
7.
It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.
Yakov Smirnoff
8.
I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.
Yakov Smirnoff
9.
Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.
Yakov Smirnoff
10.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
Yakov Smirnoff
11.
I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.
Yakov Smirnoff
12.
I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter.
Yakov Smirnoff
13.
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
Yakov Smirnoff
14.
In America, you assassinate president. In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you!
Yakov Smirnoff
15.
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
Yakov Smirnoff
16.
I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good.
Yakov Smirnoff
17.
If love is the treasure, laughter is the key.
Yakov Smirnoff
18.
The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.
Yakov Smirnoff
19.
Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.
Yakov Smirnoff
20.
Never having alone time is real tough on people.
Yakov Smirnoff
21.
In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!
Yakov Smirnoff
22.
In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing.
Yakov Smirnoff
23.
We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel.
Yakov Smirnoff
24.
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
Yakov Smirnoff
25.
Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year.
Yakov Smirnoff
26.
When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter.
Yakov Smirnoff
27.
My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love.
Yakov Smirnoff
28.
In Soviet Russia, party always finds you!
Yakov Smirnoff
29.
We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.
Yakov Smirnoff
30.
Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling.
Yakov Smirnoff
31.
I fed my ego, but not my soul.
Yakov Smirnoff
32.
After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.
Yakov Smirnoff
33.
I was not only typecast as a Russian, but I was typecast as Yakov Smirnoff. This is understandable, and I was very happy to get the roles, but it would be nice to be in a movie where I could be someone else.
Yakov Smirnoff
34.
If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it.
Yakov Smirnoff
35.
Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds.
Yakov Smirnoff
36.
In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you!
Yakov Smirnoff
37.
I was a comedian in Russia, and I worked on the cruise ships there. I met a lot of Americans, and they were laughing even though I didn't speak their language.
Yakov Smirnoff
38.
I came to America to make it my home, and I did.
Yakov Smirnoff
39.
A Russian Reversal quote on Uncyclopedia's Soviet Union article? How original.
Yakov Smirnoff
40.
Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile.
Yakov Smirnoff
