Zach Galifianakis Quotes

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

My forte is awkwardness.

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.

I call my balls the bush twins.