1.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope
'A bank is a place that will offer you credit if you can demonstrate that you don't require it.'
2.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
Bob Hope
3.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
Bob Hope
4.
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
Bob Hope
5.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
Bob Hope
6.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
Bob Hope
7.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bob Hope
8.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
Bob Hope
9.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
Bob Hope
10.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
Bob Hope
11.
Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies
Bob Hope
12.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
Bob Hope
13.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Bob Hope
14.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope
15.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
Bob Hope
16.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
17.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
Bob Hope
18.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope
19.
He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.
Bob Hope
20.
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
Bob Hope
21.
I was there. I saw your sons and your husbands, your brothers and your sweethearts. I saw how they worked, played, fought, and lived. I saw some of them die. I saw more courage, more good humor in the face of discomfort, more love in an era of hate and more devotion to duty than could exist under tyranny.
Bob Hope
22.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
Bob Hope
23.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
Bob Hope
24.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
Bob Hope
25.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
Bob Hope
26.
I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.
Bob Hope
27.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope
28.
Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.
Bob Hope
29.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Bob Hope
30.
Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.
Bob Hope
31.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
Bob Hope
32.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
Bob Hope
33.
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
Bob Hope
34.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Bob Hope
35.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
Bob Hope
36.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
Bob Hope
37.
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
Bob Hope
38.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
Bob Hope
39.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
Bob Hope
40.
You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.
Bob Hope
41.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope
42.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
Bob Hope
43.
In his prime, the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it, and by the time he walked off, he did.
Bob Hope
44.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope
45.
Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.
Bob Hope
46.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope
47.
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
Bob Hope
48.
Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.
Bob Hope
49.
The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.
Bob Hope
50.
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
Bob Hope
