1.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
If you feel as if no one is paying attention to your existence, try failing to make a few payments on your automobile.
2.
This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.
Earl Wilson
3.
Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
Earl Wilson
4.
One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.
Earl Wilson
5.
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
Earl Wilson
6.
A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.
Earl Wilson
7.
You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.
Earl Wilson
8.
A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.
Earl Wilson
9.
Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think she's attractive to the opposite sex.
Earl Wilson
10.
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
Earl Wilson
11.
Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.
Earl Wilson
12.
Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.
Earl Wilson
13.
Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
Earl Wilson
14.
Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas.
Earl Wilson
15.
Money in the bank is like toothpaste in the tube. Easy to take out, hard to put back.
Earl Wilson
16.
An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.
Earl Wilson
17.
If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.
Earl Wilson
18.
Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up in the air.
Earl Wilson
19.
Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.
Earl Wilson
20.
This is the age of bargain hunters. If it had been this way in biblical times, we'd probably have been offered another commandment free if we had accepted the first ten.
Earl Wilson
21.
Mathematics-a wonderful science, but it hasn't yet come up with a way to divide one tricycle between three small boys.
Earl Wilson
22.
Ever notice that the whisper of temptation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty.
Earl Wilson
23.
To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.
Earl Wilson
24.
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.
Earl Wilson
25.
Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?
Earl Wilson
26.
There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.
Earl Wilson
27.
The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.
Earl Wilson
28.
Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.
Earl Wilson
29.
Today's accent may be on youth, but the stress is still on the parents.
Earl Wilson
30.
No horse can go as fast as the money you put on it.
Earl Wilson
31.
Success is a matter of luck. If you want proof, ask any failure.
Earl Wilson
32.
Saying 'Gesundheit' doesn't really help the common cold - but its about as good as anything the doctors have come up with.
Earl Wilson
33.
A bachelor is a guy who leans toward women - but not far enough to lose his balance.
Earl Wilson
34.
Middle Age - later than you think and sooner than you expect.
Earl Wilson
35.
Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.
Earl Wilson
36.
He was so honest you could play craps with him over the phone.
Earl Wilson
37.
Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back
Earl Wilson
38.
The man who didn't want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.
Earl Wilson
39.
He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.
Earl Wilson
40.
A woman may race to get a man a gift but it always ends in a tie.
Earl Wilson
41.
If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey.
Earl Wilson