Gabriel Iglesias Quotes

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

You know, a lot of people think that just 'cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long live, maybe you will. But, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

Anything is possible as long as you're focused, determined and you really want to do it.

Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are.

We can choose our family. We can't choose our relatives.

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.

I started riding the whole 'fluffy' train, and it's a cute word and socially a lot more acceptable than someone saying is fat or obese. If you call a girl 'fat,' yo, she'll raise hell, but if you say, 'Aw girl, look at you, you're fluffy,' there's almost a sexy appeal to it.

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

I'm all about showing people that I'm a little messed up, I have a lot of the same problems you have. By exposing myself and putting myself out there, people can relate to me and my act won't grow stale. I mean, nobody wants to hear a comedian say, 'Life is great.'

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.

You can't be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.

I'm not on a diet. And it's funny cause people go 'Well, then why do you drink diet soda?' So I can eat regular cake.

At the time, it was a really funny joke [Fluffy] and I went back and forth with going against the joke or embrace it. I decided to embrace it and now we're talking about it, so it was a good call.

I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible... I don't want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.

Why would anybody connect to someone who has everything going for them? It's the person who has faults that people want to connect to. So people identify with certain insecurities on stage and just by me talking about my diabetes people come up to me after the show and tell me "Gabe, my blood sugar is out of control and I feel you". That's the first thing they say, they say "I feel you!".

Understand that you don't know it all. You don't know anything yet. What you've been taught is great, but always go with common sense. And don't marry your first love.

Early on when I started talking about my weight, it was self-deprecating; everything was a joke.

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.

If i wouldn't have done comedy, I would have been a teacher. I was really good when I took an exploratory teaching class in high school, at getting kids' attention, and delivering lesson plans. Though my principal even told me that this was what I was meant to do. And that being a big-mouth comedian was a waste of time.

I'm not fat. I'm fluffy!

If I'm drinking I can either be the nicest guy ever or I'm the guy you should leave alone.

Now I understand why people do drugs, why people drink, and why people go crazy. As the success level goes up and up and up, the further detached I get from everybody else. Luckily, with my girlfriend, everything is gravy because I brought her into it. I brought her in and she's very hands on with my career.

Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.

If I speak Spanish in my show, which sometimes I do, I translate what I say. I make it where I can still be myself, but I make it to where everybody knows what the hell is going on and when everyone leaves, they're like "OK, I get it."

If you put your personal stories out there people always connect.

You gotta hang out with people who have big dreams and believe in that dream.

If you surround yourself with a bunch of guys who no mas se quieren puro pari and are like, "Aaah, let's go get some chicks." Guess what? That's going to slow you down and keep your head somewhere else.

I went up on stage, and said, "Why did the chicken cross the road? To check out the chicks." I was a genius at 10. Try telling that at 21, and you look hacky and stupid. That was the only joke I've ever told. Everything since has been character voices, doing impressions or just telling stories.

Every night, it's a bakery on the bus. It's a curse, because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I'm diabetic, so I'm like, are you kidding me?!

Surround yourself with supportive people. All the negative people, man you have to push them aside.

My girlfriend knows that if I'm acting weird at home to go to one of my shows to see what's on my mind.

You pigeon hole yourself by the title you give yourself.

Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don't ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like 'this guy is ready to party.'

I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just - I crave it.

Best advice, bro: Think big. Don't think small. If you think small, then you're going to stay small. Think (about) the broad scope.