1.
I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?
Garry Shandling
2.
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
Garry Shandling
When I'm single, I keep one leg unshaven. That way, when I lie down in bed, it's like I have a female companion.
3.
Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.
Garry Shandling
4.
I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."
Garry Shandling
5.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
Garry Shandling
6.
They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.
Garry Shandling
7.
Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
Garry Shandling
8.
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
Garry Shandling
9.
I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.
Garry Shandling
10.
I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part.
Garry Shandling
11.
Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.
Garry Shandling
12.
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
Garry Shandling
13.
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
Garry Shandling
14.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
Garry Shandling
15.
It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.
Garry Shandling
16.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell
Garry Shandling
17.
Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?"
Garry Shandling
18.
I don''t like this reality television, I have to be honest;I think real people should not be on television; It''s for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real
Garry Shandling
19.
My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"
Garry Shandling
20.
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
Garry Shandling
21.
I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.
Garry Shandling
22.
In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out.
Garry Shandling
23.
Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.
Garry Shandling
24.
I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.
Garry Shandling
25.
I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I've done a lot of stuff. I don't know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I'll tell you, he wasn't bad.
Garry Shandling
26.
Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.
Garry Shandling
27.
I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out.
Garry Shandling
28.
Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?
Garry Shandling
29.
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
Garry Shandling
30.
The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.
Garry Shandling
31.
I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there.
Garry Shandling
32.
I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.
Garry Shandling
33.
But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.
Garry Shandling
34.
I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.
Garry Shandling
35.
I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
Garry Shandling
36.
I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.
Garry Shandling
37.
You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't.
Garry Shandling
38.
The comic strip is what I looked at, and it's another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behaviour, interested me.
Garry Shandling
39.
Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon.
Garry Shandling
40.
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
Garry Shandling
41.
I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.
Garry Shandling
42.
I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.
Garry Shandling
43.
First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.
Garry Shandling
44.
Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.
Garry Shandling
45.
I'm good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.
Garry Shandling
46.
I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.
Garry Shandling
47.
I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.
Garry Shandling
48.
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
Garry Shandling
49.
My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.
Garry Shandling
