Groucho Marx Quotes

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Time wounds all heels.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Women should be obscene, not heard.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.