1.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Will Rogers
When I pass away, I want to depart like my grandpa who left this world calmly in his slumber. Not yelling as if all the individuals in his vehicle.
2.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard
I'm going to locate a female I don't care for and bestow her with a residence.
3.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
We expend the first year of our children's lives instructing them to move and converse, and the following twelve months imploring them to take a seat and stay quiet.
4.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
'A successful man is one who earns more than his partner can spend. A successful woman is one who can secure such a person.'
5.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire
The only enigma in life is why the suicidal pilots donned headgear.
6.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
Attending a place of worship does not automatically confer religious status in the same way that entering a workshop doesn't turn one into a vehicle.
7.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington
Discernment is recognizing a tomato is a fruit; sagacity is not including it in a fruit dish.
8.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
'Individuals who believe they possess all knowledge are an immense irritation to those of us with actual understanding.'
9.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
Mark Twain
'Don't spend your resources researching your lineage; enter public office and your rival will do the legwork for you.'
10.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby
When you enter the courtroom, you are entrusting your destiny to twelve individuals who were not savvy enough to evade jury service.
11.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
Voltaire
The only way to grasp what mathematicians imply by Infinity is to ruminate on the bounds of human foolishness.
12.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
Only two things are boundless, the cosmos and human foolishness, and I'm uncertain of the former.
13.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Timothy Leary
Females desiring parity with males lack drive.
14.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope
'A bank is a place that will offer you credit if you can demonstrate that you don't require it.'
15.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Walter Matthau
My physician granted me six months to live, but when I could not settle the debt he extended my time.
16.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost
Through dutiful dedication eight hours a day you may eventually ascend to the position of supervisor and work twelve hours a day.
17.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I was unable to mend your brakes, so I augmented the volume of your horn.
18.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Oscar Wilde
'Take a loan from a cynic; they won't anticipate repayment.'
19.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
William S. Burroughs
An extraterrestrial voyager surveying Earth would likely be eager to demand an audience with the chief executive.
20.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
I petitioned the Almighty for a bicycle, but I comprehend God doesn't function like that. Subsequently, I purloined a bike and pleaded for absolution.
21.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
When a man finally appreciates his father's wisdom, he has a progeny who contends it is erroneous.
22.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Have you observed that all those advocating for contraception are already alive?
23.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
Under no circumstances should one ingest a sedative and a purgative in the same evening.
24.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
Will Rogers
The hazard of whimsical pranks is that frequently they become official positions.
25.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I envision a brighter future, in which chickens can traverse the street without having to explain their purpose.
26.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns
You realise you're maturing when you crouch to tie your laces and ponder what else you could accomplish while you're in that position.
27.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
Ashleigh Brilliant
'Ensure a desired outcome by taking action and deeming any result as successful.'
28.
I've had great success being a total idiot.
Jerry Lewis
I've had tremendous achievement being a complete fool.
29.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
30.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock
31.
You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra
32.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
33.
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
Wilson Mizner
34.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
35.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich
36.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
37.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde
38.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell
39.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
Douglas Adams
40.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
41.
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
Joseph Conrad
42.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea
43.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis
44.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
Doug Larson
45.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
P. J. O'Rourke
47.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
49.
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
Bill Vaughan
50.
Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton