Humor Quotes

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

The happiness of those who want to be popular depends on others; the happiness of those who seek pleasure fluctuates with moods outside their control; but the happiness of the wise grows out of their own free acts.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

I think pimp, therefore i am.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.