Joan Rivers Quotes

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.