John Oliver Quotes

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.

People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.

Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f-‍-‍-ing wants them there.

It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.

When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.

The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator.

The only thing I'm nervous about is talking to guests like human beings, because all of my interviews so far have been attacking people. I have a genuine concern about sitting across from an actor whose movies I obviously haven't seen.

Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.

I think Americans still can't help but respond to the natural authority of this voice. Deep down they long to be told what to do by a British accent. That's why so many infomercials have British people.

Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.

It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.

You don't need people's opinion on a fact.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.

I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.

There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.

Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper.

I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.

I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things.

When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.

Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

My family is from Liverpool, so I have some of those vowel sounds, I've got the slack tone of someone from Birmingham, and then I was raised in Bedford, which is just north of London. So my accent, if it's possible, makes even less sense to a Brit than to an American.

There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.

I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.

Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.

In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face.

It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be.

There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.

I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy. I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way.

A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.