Milton Jones Quotes

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.