1.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
'The quick one reaps the benefit, but the second to act takes the prize.'
2.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
'You can't have the world in your pocket; where would you keep it?'
3.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
To take ideas from one person is piracy; to borrow from many is exploration.
4.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
If toast is ever-predisposed to land butter-side down, and felines inevitably alight on their paws, what will be the result if you affix a piece of toast to a cat's back and fling it?
5.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I was unable to mend your brakes, so I augmented the volume of your horn.
6.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Many are frightened by altitude. I, however, am scared of breadth.
7.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
8.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Steven Wright
I was reclining in bed the other evening, gazing up at the stars, and pondering to myself, 'Where on Earth is my ceiling?'
9.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Steven Wright
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no one to hear him, has he still erred?
10.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
Currently I'm experiencing a memory loss and a sense of familiarity simultaneously. I believe I have forgotten this already.
11.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright
When I reflect upon the past, it evokes a plethora of recollections.
12.
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
Steven Wright
As one ages, they gain the capability to perceive what they were conditioned to discern. In childhood, one simply observes reality.
13.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
I blared an unmarked cassette at maximum volume last night. The mime in the vicinity was driven mad.
14.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
15.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Steven Wright
Do cannibals avoid consuming clowns due to their peculiar taste?
16.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers instructed me repetition brings fineness; then they informed me no one is flawless so I stopped reiterating.
17.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Steven Wright
I told her I would be away for the duration.
18.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
19.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
20.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Steven Wright
21.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright
22.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
23.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Steven Wright
24.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Steven Wright
25.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright
26.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
27.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
28.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
29.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
30.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
31.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
32.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
33.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
34.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
35.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
36.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Steven Wright
37.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
38.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Steven Wright
39.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
40.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright
41.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Steven Wright
42.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
43.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
44.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
45.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
46.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
47.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
48.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
49.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
50.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
