1.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
'Before condemning someone, experience life through their perspective. After that who matters?... They're far away and you have their perspective!'
2.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
I have longed to witness the Swiss military's use of diminutive crimson blades in Switzerland.
3.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly
My characterization of an intellectual is someone who can hear the William Tell Overture without associating it with the Lone Ranger.
4.
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
Billy Connolly
A woman's mind is as intricate as the depths of her purse; even when you think you've seen it all, there is always something unexpected at the bottom!
5.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Billy Connolly
6.
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Billy Connolly
7.
I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
Billy Connolly
8.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Billy Connolly
9.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Billy Connolly
10.
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
Billy Connolly
11.
I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
Billy Connolly
12.
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
Billy Connolly
13.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
Billy Connolly
14.
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
Billy Connolly
15.
What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!
Billy Connolly
16.
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Billy Connolly
17.
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.
Billy Connolly
18.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
Billy Connolly
19.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Billy Connolly
20.
I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
Billy Connolly
21.
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
Billy Connolly
22.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
Billy Connolly
23.
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Billy Connolly
24.
Never trust anybody with only one book.
Billy Connolly
25.
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
Billy Connolly
26.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
Billy Connolly
27.
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Billy Connolly
28.
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
Billy Connolly
29.
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Billy Connolly
30.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Billy Connolly
31.
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
Billy Connolly
32.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Billy Connolly
33.
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
Billy Connolly
34.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly
35.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
Billy Connolly
36.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Billy Connolly
37.
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Billy Connolly
38.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Billy Connolly
39.
If you give people a chance, they shine.
Billy Connolly
40.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
Billy Connolly
41.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly
42.
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
Billy Connolly
43.
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
Billy Connolly
44.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
Billy Connolly
45.
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
Billy Connolly
46.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Billy Connolly
47.
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
Billy Connolly
48.
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
Billy Connolly
49.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Billy Connolly
50.
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
Billy Connolly