Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'