Henny Youngman Quotes

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"