Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love dolls clothes

We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.