1.
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
2.
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
Tim Vine
3.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
Tim Vine
4.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
5.
Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
Tim Vine
6.
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
Tim Vine
7.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Tim Vine
8.
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Tim Vine
9.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine
10.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Tim Vine
11.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
Tim Vine
12.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Tim Vine
13.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Tim Vine
14.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine
15.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
Tim Vine
16.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Tim Vine
17.
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
Tim Vine
18.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Tim Vine
19.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Tim Vine
20.
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
21.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine
22.
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
Tim Vine
23.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
Tim Vine
24.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
Tim Vine
25.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Tim Vine
26.
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
Tim Vine
27.
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke
Tim Vine
28.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Tim Vine
29.
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine
30.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
31.
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine
32.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
Tim Vine
33.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
Tim Vine
34.
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
35.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine
36.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
Tim Vine
37.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Tim Vine
38.
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
39.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
Tim Vine
40.
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
Tim Vine
41.
I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
Tim Vine
42.
My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
Tim Vine
43.
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
Tim Vine
44.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
Tim Vine
45.
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
Tim Vine
46.
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
Tim Vine
47.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine
48.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
Tim Vine
49.
I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
Tim Vine
50.
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Tim Vine
