Tim Vine Quotes

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out