1.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper
2.
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
Tommy Cooper
3.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Tommy Cooper
4.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Tommy Cooper
5.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper
6.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Tommy Cooper
7.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Tommy Cooper
8.
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
Tommy Cooper
9.
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Tommy Cooper
10.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
Tommy Cooper
11.
I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
Tommy Cooper
12.
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
Tommy Cooper
13.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Tommy Cooper
14.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
Tommy Cooper
15.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Tommy Cooper
16.
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
Tommy Cooper
17.
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
Tommy Cooper
18.
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
Tommy Cooper
19.
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper
20.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
Tommy Cooper
21.
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
Tommy Cooper
22.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Tommy Cooper
23.
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Tommy Cooper
24.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
Tommy Cooper
25.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
Tommy Cooper
26.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Tommy Cooper
27.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
Tommy Cooper
28.
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
Tommy Cooper
29.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
Tommy Cooper
30.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Tommy Cooper
31.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tommy Cooper
32.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
Tommy Cooper
33.
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
Tommy Cooper
34.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper
35.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Tommy Cooper
36.
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
Tommy Cooper
37.
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.
Tommy Cooper
38.
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
Tommy Cooper
39.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Tommy Cooper
40.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
Tommy Cooper
41.
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
Tommy Cooper
42.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
Tommy Cooper
43.
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Tommy Cooper
44.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Tommy Cooper
45.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Tommy Cooper
46.
Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'
Tommy Cooper
47.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
Tommy Cooper
48.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Tommy Cooper
49.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
Tommy Cooper
50.
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Tommy Cooper