Milton Berle Quotes

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.