1.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle
2.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
3.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle
4.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
Milton Berle
5.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
6.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
7.
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle
8.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Milton Berle
9.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle
10.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
11.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Milton Berle
12.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Milton Berle
13.
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
Milton Berle
14.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Milton Berle
15.
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Milton Berle
16.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
Milton Berle
17.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Milton Berle
18.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Milton Berle
19.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Milton Berle
20.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle
21.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
Milton Berle
22.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Milton Berle
23.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
Milton Berle
24.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Milton Berle
25.
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Milton Berle
26.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
27.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle
28.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle
29.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle
30.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Milton Berle
31.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle
32.
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
Milton Berle
33.
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
Milton Berle
34.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
Milton Berle
35.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Milton Berle
36.
She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
Milton Berle
37.
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Milton Berle
38.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton Berle
39.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle
40.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
Milton Berle
41.
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
Milton Berle
42.
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Milton Berle
43.
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
Milton Berle
44.
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
Milton Berle
45.
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle
46.
Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
Milton Berle
47.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
Milton Berle
48.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Milton Berle
49.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton Berle
50.
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle
